Day 18: Rain and Turtles

Yesterday, I saved a Turtle! Maybe I saved a turtle... I didn't think anything of it yesterday but today I wonder. Did I make a difference? As I was coming home from eating dinner out a Turtle as crossing the road. I watched as a couple cars just drove right by it and so I stopped and put my hazards on and picked it up and carried it to the other side of the road where there was ditch with grass.

Firstly, I wasn't sure if I was even supposed to pick up turtles. Secondly, the person I think of when I see turtles is Mr. Obliques or the guy from afar and is probably going to aquire more nick names by the time I get to see him again so I apologize for any confusion... same guy! Thirdly, what the heck is a Box turtle crossing the road in a suburb?

Strangely, I wasn't that affraid of pick up the turtle since he retracted his head and limbs almost inviting me to assist him. I got a thumbs up from the old folks who drove by which was a great sign. I looked up what the Turtle represented totem wise and it said "wisdom, patience and guidance. Now I know I could sound totally silly assuming this connection however, someone once told me that when you are lined up or aligned with the universe it seems like life is more meaningful and their are less coincidences.

I think the turtle was a sign of "the guy from far away" not just because he studied turtles in college and when he geeks out on them it totally turns me on but because I was able to identify it as a Box Turtle which is the type of turtle he ungoed a 2 year project on discovering their mating patterns relating to this one pond. Furthermore, since Friday was a day of reckoning between us, with his voicing how we have developed expectations naturally and how over whelming it has become for him. Well the turtle has showed me patience is the key to seeing this relationship through. We are far away and though I am totally ultra when it comes to anything I do with him and this awkward situation I have to cultivate some patience and just chill out more which will only create more of a charge one way or another.

The rain! Got to work and noticed a sound banging on the warehouse door and was shocked that it just started to down poor. My first thought was back to my practice and how I was glad that rain was not going to influence my commitment to my practice. Second I thought was "god is in the rain" the quote from "V for Vendetta." Not sure why rain means so much to me but the way rain and wind feel on my skin puts me in a place of ease. I feel held, small, and nurtured all at the same time. So if there was a form for the formless it would be represented as wind or rain for me.

Thank you for the rain today a remarkable surprise to start off my week with a shinny newness.

Song of the Day:

Day 17: Dedication

dedication
ded·i·ca·tion
[ dèddi káysh'n ]
NOUN
1. devotion: the quality of being devoted or committed to something
"her dedication to duty"

commitment
com·mit·ment
[ kə mítmənt ]
NOUN
1. responsibility: something that takes up time or energy, especially an obligation
"family commitments"
2. loyalty: devotion or dedication, e.g. to a cause, person, or relationship

Thought I would begin by defining the difference and similarities to yesterday's "commitment" and today's "dedication" themes. Like you see above dedication is the quality of... or the fruit or the state of... however, it feels for you its a bit more engraved than just commitment. So yes, I showed up today and though my teacher had to be late I realized that I have to be on time for me to follow through with something. The time each day helps me more like helps my OCD tendancies of planning to just know how to organize the rest of my day. My teacher was most understanding and agreed that we would both show up at that time or if we are late commit to finishing on our own.

Like I realized this is a personal commitment though I do have a partner who is willing to attempt the same goal we can't do the work for one another. It helps to have that person across from you who is sweating and you can speak to regarding your experience. Yet, they are just a mirror and ever important mirror because they listen and can reflect back with words and observations. A regular mirror just bounces back light.

Today's practice felt better than yesterdays overall. A couple of things I forgot to mention yesterday about how I decided to intensify this practice for myself over the week are the following:
1. During the arm balance sequence I will increase the holding of these by ONE breath each day... the first day was 5 breathes
2. During the drop back portion I will increase the amount by 10 each day... first day was 10 dropbacks

Every more dedicated today even though I am completely sore and tender in my body's experience. MSM, calcium, ibuprophen, and lots of water and sleep are my remedies for keeping this at bay.

Song of the day: Backside Grid part 2 by Plan B (US)

Day 16: Commitment

Strangly enough after waking up hung over from not only drinking too much but also from sobbing about the harsh reality the guy from far away dosed me with commitment is the theme of the day. New commitment is more like it! Actually when you think about it even when you commit to a relationship per say, if you want it to be a healthy commitment then you are actually commiting to yourself. To be even more exact you commit to being yourself at all times though you are in a relationship. And though the guy from far away and I weren't in any sort of formal, exclusive or even spoken of "relationship" I think expectations natually formed. Even after we said we DON'T have any expecations for one another.

So after coping with a massive headache, body ache, heart ache sort of hang over my yoga teacher and I made plans to throw down our mats and practice the ITC (Ignite the Center) practice again. As a reminder from an earlier post this is a practice that takes at least 2.5 hours to complete and is a well rounded sequence. This sequence has 4 sections, divied up by element and grouping of postures.

Section 1: Earth - Standing Postures

Section 2: Fire - Hip Openers & Arm Balances

Section 3: Air - Thigh Stretches & Backbends
Section 4: Water - Forward Folds

Each section ends with a meditation that cooralates to the element just pratices and though my teacher taught it with specific meditations this part can be interpreted depending on the persons connection or feeling for that element. For example: Earth, originally taught to imagine yourself in a cube, balanced, steady, symentrical. However, you could focus on a steady pace of breath complimented by a heaviness in your seat.

This sequence makes me feel so balanced afterward, it is one of the most precious yoga teachings I have ever learned. As the guy from far away would say... "its great to have that in your back pocket." He is right, what if we could all discover some sort of practice that we could do anytime we needed to "reboot" our system? Furthermore; noticing the tangible effects of this sequence what if I practiced it every single day for a week?

That is what my teacher and I set out to begin TODAY! In reflection what a great commitment to myself! It's something I can gnaw on everyday! Notice the difference, fluxuations, challenges, and insights I gain from doing the same practice every day.

I know this is not available to everyone. A. because yoga does not have the effect on everyone the same. B. this is an intensely advance practice C. it takes a good chunk of time out of your day and not many can afford this. I just happened to be in rare situation right now. That if you read back was catistrophic feeling when I first arrived but now I have settled into this reality and am now see the silver lining of this retreat like occasion.

So when given this rare opportunity of having hardly any distractions you soak in your own practice of self refinement. I have recommited myself to cultivating my health, education, beauty, and am excited to see what something like this will do to me?

My wishes: (by the end of the week of this practice)

1. drop into meditation with ease

2. be able to say properly the names of all of the postures

3. be able to perform a posture that psychologically terrifies me ... ghenda bharandasana

Reflection questions and curiousities:

1. Will this practice change me in ways other than physically?

2. Will I be able to do this?

3. How will this steady 2.5 hour practice change my daily routine? (all other daily responsibilities have to be maintained)

4. What sort of friendship will be cultivated by acheiving this task with my friend and teacher?

5. What will I want to do when I am done?

... and there will probably be many more questions but for now... I'm commited to myself and practicing the sequence that brings me such joy everyone day for one week.

Song of the day: Listen to your Heart by DHT featuring Edmee

Day 15: show up!

As a friend just said to me "sometimes you have to put your hand in the fire to know how hot it is.". I reflected that's like anything, you have to show up, especially if your a tactile learner. As a tactile learner I often need to do or feel what I am aiming to learn. So that means a lot of experiencing and leg work to try to figure out for sure what is working and what is not.


Well it's a lot harder dealing, coping and managing this long distance relationship, that isn't really old enough to be considered a relationship. So he communicates that my affectionate texts make him feel obligated to respond and that he is sensitive to the fact that he has a pattern of accomadaring to the relationship. I actually have the same pattern. I will work hard at anything and everything I do, even relationships.




It's a detroit thing I think. I am passionate, caring, genuine, and loyal. Some where I just read that our greatest gifts are also our weakest qualities. Awesome! So he asks that I don't hold it against him for not texting back. What he doesn't understand is that I never had a problem with his lack of texts but actually his lack of creativity. It's NOT quantity with me it quality! I want thoughtful communication not aimless flirting. I can have aimless flirting all the time but it doesn't fulfill any needs.


So as much as he doesn't want to feel obligated I don't want to feel unappreciated! The best way I know to create a charge is to not respond. I gave him a warning that I would probably not respond to him for a while just cause that is my authentic experience of this powder struggle that he can't see cause he is not near me.


Really I think that's the main flaw to any long distance relationship, no way to read the other person. Like I was thinking a few days ago when I could tell how he wasn't into the pattern I just need to break off from this paradigm. I don't want to fall into any old patterns but enjoy the opportunity to reflect on someone who I'm attracted to who I am and how I react so I can better learn about myself.


Alone and happy!!! Cheers y'all!

Song of the day: "I'm good, I'm gone" by Lykke Li

Day 14: Day of Worry

Today was a day of worry! A person with whom I was seeing back home texted me that he woke up in jail in Tijuana and didn't hear back from him til hours later. Here was the progression of my thoughts:

1. Dis-belief

2. Shock

3. Worry

4. Frightened

5. Heart ache

Firstly, this person and I are not exclusive and had only been seeing one another for a couple of months before I had to make this move. Secondly, I refused to acknowledge I had any feelings for this person and was on a personal mission to rebel from anything close to a relationship since I had just come out of a 10 year relationship. Thirdly, there was one point when I thought to myself... Wow what a way to get a girl admit she cares for you, disappear and make her wonder all day.

Lastly, I could feel the connection to this person to the bone. My chest ached, wasn't hungry and felt awful not knowing. I had already started thinking if I should get a hold of his one friend who I had their number who lives out there to go rescue him and said I would give him 24 hours till I would call his friend.

Luckily he called me back was wrecked and doesn't remember the night and obviously isn't much of himself as of right now due to getting that drunk. This entanglement I feel with this person makes me want to do one of two things:

1. Dive deeper into the connection

2. Turn the relationship off and deal with the heartbreak now rather than later

I would say the first one is harder in the long run but the second will feel harder at first its the easier choice. Honestly, I don't even really know how this person still feels about me. I am pretty nieve when it comes to reading thru the lines. I assume that because he called me and texted me that he wanted me to know he was ok but the only way I truly understand how someone feels is if they tell me with touch. And its impossible to do that when your 2000 miles away.

Clarity may be my curse! Now that I know for a fact I feel something for this person what do I do about it? Do I tend to fall for people too easy? Am I hopeless romantic? Should I back off and just let him simmer without my communication for a while to let him heal and figure his shit out? If I do that will he think I don't care or am tripping out? Why do I care so much? Why does life have to knit its way through my heart threads? Why can't I just be a cold and safe island?

I'm afraid I am just left with more questions...

Song of the day: "Like the Weather" by 10,000 Maniacs

Day 13: Charm

Where does charm come from?

Day 12: Breakfast, really?

Mom's all over the world say this is the most important meal of the day and probably nutritionist as well. Like any kind of eating just be sure your eating for the right reason. Emotions tend to affect my eating habits more than anything else. Unlike most skinny people I eat when I am upset. Not more often, I just maximize my portion size when I'm sad. I also will choose foods that will ultimately make me more depressed instead of foods that will keep me feeling lite.

So I decided to reboot my breakfast choices today asking these 2 questions each morning:
1. Am I hungry?
2. What is going to make me feel the best?

I say if your not hungry then you don't need to eat and this is not just an emotional question. It's a body question. Do you wake up and need some fuel? Are you feeling lathargic this morning? Did you stay up and watch your dreams like tv all night? Or ate late the night before and thus not hungry?

I would typically just answer this question on an emional level which would leave my body craving something later and I have noticed as I emerge from my depressed state that anything that "swings the pendulum" invites more reactive responses. It is better to stablize and smooth out the edges since everything is already pretty sharpe feeling when your in that depressed state. When there isn't any cushiony saratonin being released any and all thoughts are cutting thru your being like a razor blade.

So if your like me and you answer yes to the first question and I did because my body felt like wasn't getting enough energy as well as I was just slightly emotionally hungry.... then what do you eat? Studies will tell you to have the following for the following reasons:

Carbs for energy that can get in quick and fiber to wake up your digestive track
Proteins to sustain the energy level and last longer, plus you will have all day to burn off the fattier foods
Veg and Fruits for nutrients

Honestly, I think you have to eat something that both tastes good and gets you what you need. I choose Manna bread with coconut butter spread and a Triple Green Tea Latte w/o Milk (So fun requesting this at Starbucks). The Manna bread is sprounted moist full of both fiber and protein because of the grains is only sweetened by fruit so its not too sugary. The coconut butter isn't probably necessary but who eats dry toast for breakfast except my mother?

Warning the next paragraph might be TMI (bowel analysising):
I have noticed since I tend to run pretty dry that coconut butter and good fats help keep my bowels moist and flowing w/o as much effort. The manna bread has the fiber that you need to scrub your intenstines and start your day off to a nice light and empty feeling after you empty of course.

The Starbucks treat:
Listen I know I don't need this but it purges the emotional needs of the morning. Something warm, comforting, stimulating and makes me happy. Green Tea is my all time happy feeling beverage. Some love the coffee I love the Matcha! Though I now Starbucks has some sweetner in the green tea powder I request no additional sweetner and it tastes great but I love that bitter taste. Probably simplier to coffee drinkers and their bitter coffee, well unless they douse it with sugar.

In sumation, breakfast is great! Especially when you feed your body and mind what it really needs. Decerning what the minimal needs are and adding only one treat maybe per day. So if today green tea was my treat then on a day when I don't need to stimulant I'll order the bacon. Stay tuned for the day I talk about food combining. I am waiting for a week of this diet to reflect on my experience.

Song of the day (actually woke up with this belting in my head this morning): "Dull Life" by Yeah Yeah Yeahs