Day 14: Day of Worry

Today was a day of worry! A person with whom I was seeing back home texted me that he woke up in jail in Tijuana and didn't hear back from him til hours later. Here was the progression of my thoughts:

1. Dis-belief

2. Shock

3. Worry

4. Frightened

5. Heart ache

Firstly, this person and I are not exclusive and had only been seeing one another for a couple of months before I had to make this move. Secondly, I refused to acknowledge I had any feelings for this person and was on a personal mission to rebel from anything close to a relationship since I had just come out of a 10 year relationship. Thirdly, there was one point when I thought to myself... Wow what a way to get a girl admit she cares for you, disappear and make her wonder all day.

Lastly, I could feel the connection to this person to the bone. My chest ached, wasn't hungry and felt awful not knowing. I had already started thinking if I should get a hold of his one friend who I had their number who lives out there to go rescue him and said I would give him 24 hours till I would call his friend.

Luckily he called me back was wrecked and doesn't remember the night and obviously isn't much of himself as of right now due to getting that drunk. This entanglement I feel with this person makes me want to do one of two things:

1. Dive deeper into the connection

2. Turn the relationship off and deal with the heartbreak now rather than later

I would say the first one is harder in the long run but the second will feel harder at first its the easier choice. Honestly, I don't even really know how this person still feels about me. I am pretty nieve when it comes to reading thru the lines. I assume that because he called me and texted me that he wanted me to know he was ok but the only way I truly understand how someone feels is if they tell me with touch. And its impossible to do that when your 2000 miles away.

Clarity may be my curse! Now that I know for a fact I feel something for this person what do I do about it? Do I tend to fall for people too easy? Am I hopeless romantic? Should I back off and just let him simmer without my communication for a while to let him heal and figure his shit out? If I do that will he think I don't care or am tripping out? Why do I care so much? Why does life have to knit its way through my heart threads? Why can't I just be a cold and safe island?

I'm afraid I am just left with more questions...

Song of the day: "Like the Weather" by 10,000 Maniacs