Day 18: Rain and Turtles

Yesterday, I saved a Turtle! Maybe I saved a turtle... I didn't think anything of it yesterday but today I wonder. Did I make a difference? As I was coming home from eating dinner out a Turtle as crossing the road. I watched as a couple cars just drove right by it and so I stopped and put my hazards on and picked it up and carried it to the other side of the road where there was ditch with grass.

Firstly, I wasn't sure if I was even supposed to pick up turtles. Secondly, the person I think of when I see turtles is Mr. Obliques or the guy from afar and is probably going to aquire more nick names by the time I get to see him again so I apologize for any confusion... same guy! Thirdly, what the heck is a Box turtle crossing the road in a suburb?

Strangely, I wasn't that affraid of pick up the turtle since he retracted his head and limbs almost inviting me to assist him. I got a thumbs up from the old folks who drove by which was a great sign. I looked up what the Turtle represented totem wise and it said "wisdom, patience and guidance. Now I know I could sound totally silly assuming this connection however, someone once told me that when you are lined up or aligned with the universe it seems like life is more meaningful and their are less coincidences.

I think the turtle was a sign of "the guy from far away" not just because he studied turtles in college and when he geeks out on them it totally turns me on but because I was able to identify it as a Box Turtle which is the type of turtle he ungoed a 2 year project on discovering their mating patterns relating to this one pond. Furthermore, since Friday was a day of reckoning between us, with his voicing how we have developed expectations naturally and how over whelming it has become for him. Well the turtle has showed me patience is the key to seeing this relationship through. We are far away and though I am totally ultra when it comes to anything I do with him and this awkward situation I have to cultivate some patience and just chill out more which will only create more of a charge one way or another.

The rain! Got to work and noticed a sound banging on the warehouse door and was shocked that it just started to down poor. My first thought was back to my practice and how I was glad that rain was not going to influence my commitment to my practice. Second I thought was "god is in the rain" the quote from "V for Vendetta." Not sure why rain means so much to me but the way rain and wind feel on my skin puts me in a place of ease. I feel held, small, and nurtured all at the same time. So if there was a form for the formless it would be represented as wind or rain for me.

Thank you for the rain today a remarkable surprise to start off my week with a shinny newness.

Song of the Day:

Day 17: Dedication

dedication
ded·i·ca·tion
[ dèddi káysh'n ]
NOUN
1. devotion: the quality of being devoted or committed to something
"her dedication to duty"

commitment
com·mit·ment
[ kə mítmənt ]
NOUN
1. responsibility: something that takes up time or energy, especially an obligation
"family commitments"
2. loyalty: devotion or dedication, e.g. to a cause, person, or relationship

Thought I would begin by defining the difference and similarities to yesterday's "commitment" and today's "dedication" themes. Like you see above dedication is the quality of... or the fruit or the state of... however, it feels for you its a bit more engraved than just commitment. So yes, I showed up today and though my teacher had to be late I realized that I have to be on time for me to follow through with something. The time each day helps me more like helps my OCD tendancies of planning to just know how to organize the rest of my day. My teacher was most understanding and agreed that we would both show up at that time or if we are late commit to finishing on our own.

Like I realized this is a personal commitment though I do have a partner who is willing to attempt the same goal we can't do the work for one another. It helps to have that person across from you who is sweating and you can speak to regarding your experience. Yet, they are just a mirror and ever important mirror because they listen and can reflect back with words and observations. A regular mirror just bounces back light.

Today's practice felt better than yesterdays overall. A couple of things I forgot to mention yesterday about how I decided to intensify this practice for myself over the week are the following:
1. During the arm balance sequence I will increase the holding of these by ONE breath each day... the first day was 5 breathes
2. During the drop back portion I will increase the amount by 10 each day... first day was 10 dropbacks

Every more dedicated today even though I am completely sore and tender in my body's experience. MSM, calcium, ibuprophen, and lots of water and sleep are my remedies for keeping this at bay.

Song of the day: Backside Grid part 2 by Plan B (US)

Day 16: Commitment

Strangly enough after waking up hung over from not only drinking too much but also from sobbing about the harsh reality the guy from far away dosed me with commitment is the theme of the day. New commitment is more like it! Actually when you think about it even when you commit to a relationship per say, if you want it to be a healthy commitment then you are actually commiting to yourself. To be even more exact you commit to being yourself at all times though you are in a relationship. And though the guy from far away and I weren't in any sort of formal, exclusive or even spoken of "relationship" I think expectations natually formed. Even after we said we DON'T have any expecations for one another.

So after coping with a massive headache, body ache, heart ache sort of hang over my yoga teacher and I made plans to throw down our mats and practice the ITC (Ignite the Center) practice again. As a reminder from an earlier post this is a practice that takes at least 2.5 hours to complete and is a well rounded sequence. This sequence has 4 sections, divied up by element and grouping of postures.

Section 1: Earth - Standing Postures

Section 2: Fire - Hip Openers & Arm Balances

Section 3: Air - Thigh Stretches & Backbends
Section 4: Water - Forward Folds

Each section ends with a meditation that cooralates to the element just pratices and though my teacher taught it with specific meditations this part can be interpreted depending on the persons connection or feeling for that element. For example: Earth, originally taught to imagine yourself in a cube, balanced, steady, symentrical. However, you could focus on a steady pace of breath complimented by a heaviness in your seat.

This sequence makes me feel so balanced afterward, it is one of the most precious yoga teachings I have ever learned. As the guy from far away would say... "its great to have that in your back pocket." He is right, what if we could all discover some sort of practice that we could do anytime we needed to "reboot" our system? Furthermore; noticing the tangible effects of this sequence what if I practiced it every single day for a week?

That is what my teacher and I set out to begin TODAY! In reflection what a great commitment to myself! It's something I can gnaw on everyday! Notice the difference, fluxuations, challenges, and insights I gain from doing the same practice every day.

I know this is not available to everyone. A. because yoga does not have the effect on everyone the same. B. this is an intensely advance practice C. it takes a good chunk of time out of your day and not many can afford this. I just happened to be in rare situation right now. That if you read back was catistrophic feeling when I first arrived but now I have settled into this reality and am now see the silver lining of this retreat like occasion.

So when given this rare opportunity of having hardly any distractions you soak in your own practice of self refinement. I have recommited myself to cultivating my health, education, beauty, and am excited to see what something like this will do to me?

My wishes: (by the end of the week of this practice)

1. drop into meditation with ease

2. be able to say properly the names of all of the postures

3. be able to perform a posture that psychologically terrifies me ... ghenda bharandasana

Reflection questions and curiousities:

1. Will this practice change me in ways other than physically?

2. Will I be able to do this?

3. How will this steady 2.5 hour practice change my daily routine? (all other daily responsibilities have to be maintained)

4. What sort of friendship will be cultivated by acheiving this task with my friend and teacher?

5. What will I want to do when I am done?

... and there will probably be many more questions but for now... I'm commited to myself and practicing the sequence that brings me such joy everyone day for one week.

Song of the day: Listen to your Heart by DHT featuring Edmee

Day 15: show up!

As a friend just said to me "sometimes you have to put your hand in the fire to know how hot it is.". I reflected that's like anything, you have to show up, especially if your a tactile learner. As a tactile learner I often need to do or feel what I am aiming to learn. So that means a lot of experiencing and leg work to try to figure out for sure what is working and what is not.


Well it's a lot harder dealing, coping and managing this long distance relationship, that isn't really old enough to be considered a relationship. So he communicates that my affectionate texts make him feel obligated to respond and that he is sensitive to the fact that he has a pattern of accomadaring to the relationship. I actually have the same pattern. I will work hard at anything and everything I do, even relationships.




It's a detroit thing I think. I am passionate, caring, genuine, and loyal. Some where I just read that our greatest gifts are also our weakest qualities. Awesome! So he asks that I don't hold it against him for not texting back. What he doesn't understand is that I never had a problem with his lack of texts but actually his lack of creativity. It's NOT quantity with me it quality! I want thoughtful communication not aimless flirting. I can have aimless flirting all the time but it doesn't fulfill any needs.


So as much as he doesn't want to feel obligated I don't want to feel unappreciated! The best way I know to create a charge is to not respond. I gave him a warning that I would probably not respond to him for a while just cause that is my authentic experience of this powder struggle that he can't see cause he is not near me.


Really I think that's the main flaw to any long distance relationship, no way to read the other person. Like I was thinking a few days ago when I could tell how he wasn't into the pattern I just need to break off from this paradigm. I don't want to fall into any old patterns but enjoy the opportunity to reflect on someone who I'm attracted to who I am and how I react so I can better learn about myself.


Alone and happy!!! Cheers y'all!

Song of the day: "I'm good, I'm gone" by Lykke Li

Day 14: Day of Worry

Today was a day of worry! A person with whom I was seeing back home texted me that he woke up in jail in Tijuana and didn't hear back from him til hours later. Here was the progression of my thoughts:

1. Dis-belief

2. Shock

3. Worry

4. Frightened

5. Heart ache

Firstly, this person and I are not exclusive and had only been seeing one another for a couple of months before I had to make this move. Secondly, I refused to acknowledge I had any feelings for this person and was on a personal mission to rebel from anything close to a relationship since I had just come out of a 10 year relationship. Thirdly, there was one point when I thought to myself... Wow what a way to get a girl admit she cares for you, disappear and make her wonder all day.

Lastly, I could feel the connection to this person to the bone. My chest ached, wasn't hungry and felt awful not knowing. I had already started thinking if I should get a hold of his one friend who I had their number who lives out there to go rescue him and said I would give him 24 hours till I would call his friend.

Luckily he called me back was wrecked and doesn't remember the night and obviously isn't much of himself as of right now due to getting that drunk. This entanglement I feel with this person makes me want to do one of two things:

1. Dive deeper into the connection

2. Turn the relationship off and deal with the heartbreak now rather than later

I would say the first one is harder in the long run but the second will feel harder at first its the easier choice. Honestly, I don't even really know how this person still feels about me. I am pretty nieve when it comes to reading thru the lines. I assume that because he called me and texted me that he wanted me to know he was ok but the only way I truly understand how someone feels is if they tell me with touch. And its impossible to do that when your 2000 miles away.

Clarity may be my curse! Now that I know for a fact I feel something for this person what do I do about it? Do I tend to fall for people too easy? Am I hopeless romantic? Should I back off and just let him simmer without my communication for a while to let him heal and figure his shit out? If I do that will he think I don't care or am tripping out? Why do I care so much? Why does life have to knit its way through my heart threads? Why can't I just be a cold and safe island?

I'm afraid I am just left with more questions...

Song of the day: "Like the Weather" by 10,000 Maniacs

Day 13: Charm

Where does charm come from?

Day 12: Breakfast, really?

Mom's all over the world say this is the most important meal of the day and probably nutritionist as well. Like any kind of eating just be sure your eating for the right reason. Emotions tend to affect my eating habits more than anything else. Unlike most skinny people I eat when I am upset. Not more often, I just maximize my portion size when I'm sad. I also will choose foods that will ultimately make me more depressed instead of foods that will keep me feeling lite.

So I decided to reboot my breakfast choices today asking these 2 questions each morning:
1. Am I hungry?
2. What is going to make me feel the best?

I say if your not hungry then you don't need to eat and this is not just an emotional question. It's a body question. Do you wake up and need some fuel? Are you feeling lathargic this morning? Did you stay up and watch your dreams like tv all night? Or ate late the night before and thus not hungry?

I would typically just answer this question on an emional level which would leave my body craving something later and I have noticed as I emerge from my depressed state that anything that "swings the pendulum" invites more reactive responses. It is better to stablize and smooth out the edges since everything is already pretty sharpe feeling when your in that depressed state. When there isn't any cushiony saratonin being released any and all thoughts are cutting thru your being like a razor blade.

So if your like me and you answer yes to the first question and I did because my body felt like wasn't getting enough energy as well as I was just slightly emotionally hungry.... then what do you eat? Studies will tell you to have the following for the following reasons:

Carbs for energy that can get in quick and fiber to wake up your digestive track
Proteins to sustain the energy level and last longer, plus you will have all day to burn off the fattier foods
Veg and Fruits for nutrients

Honestly, I think you have to eat something that both tastes good and gets you what you need. I choose Manna bread with coconut butter spread and a Triple Green Tea Latte w/o Milk (So fun requesting this at Starbucks). The Manna bread is sprounted moist full of both fiber and protein because of the grains is only sweetened by fruit so its not too sugary. The coconut butter isn't probably necessary but who eats dry toast for breakfast except my mother?

Warning the next paragraph might be TMI (bowel analysising):
I have noticed since I tend to run pretty dry that coconut butter and good fats help keep my bowels moist and flowing w/o as much effort. The manna bread has the fiber that you need to scrub your intenstines and start your day off to a nice light and empty feeling after you empty of course.

The Starbucks treat:
Listen I know I don't need this but it purges the emotional needs of the morning. Something warm, comforting, stimulating and makes me happy. Green Tea is my all time happy feeling beverage. Some love the coffee I love the Matcha! Though I now Starbucks has some sweetner in the green tea powder I request no additional sweetner and it tastes great but I love that bitter taste. Probably simplier to coffee drinkers and their bitter coffee, well unless they douse it with sugar.

In sumation, breakfast is great! Especially when you feed your body and mind what it really needs. Decerning what the minimal needs are and adding only one treat maybe per day. So if today green tea was my treat then on a day when I don't need to stimulant I'll order the bacon. Stay tuned for the day I talk about food combining. I am waiting for a week of this diet to reflect on my experience.

Song of the day (actually woke up with this belting in my head this morning): "Dull Life" by Yeah Yeah Yeahs

Day 11: New Inspiration

Inspiration can be found any where... literally any where. Todays reflection was inspired by this new show "TOUCH," in which an savant child has the gift of seeing how intangled all our lives are. If we saw even a fraction of how much synchronisity is happening all the time we might be welling up with awe and not talk or hardly function in this world. Further more he doesn't just see the connections he sees as they illustrate for us viewers the "red" strings said by the chinese said to be tied to our ankle, the destiny line, that when tangled, stretched and not followed all the way thru causes pain in the cosmic organism of life.

One of the things that I have learned through my yoga studies is that sadness can be counter weighted by WONDER! Wonder can really counter weigh any of the denser feelings. It brings lightness. When depressed my bones feel heavy, my skin feels crawly and adgitated. When I'm in the state of wonder as I was watching this show for the first time thru hulu I felt carried, light and free to the vastness of possibilities.

Not only does this show discuss the connections it illustrates them thru simple and yet very complex math. Simple because this child naturally sees the "golden mean ratio," or number that is the ratio for beauty, balance and progression. This ratio is the same for all of us and everything. Though on the surface we are all extremely complex and look so different, everything is proportionate to something else. Proportionate by the same exact ratio... 1.618.

Since we can't all see these connections, how do we remember that we are apart of the cosmic fabric? Especially when we have totally forgotten and lost touch?

For me this was simple last night I was pulled by my heart to investigate something new. Make a new connection for the sake of curiousity. When letting my curiousity guide me and I actually find something that is inspiring, notice I didn't say like or dislike, just inspiring to make me feel something then I have made a new connection. One that was unexpected, guided by curiousity and sustained by wonder. Who would have thought a new TV show could inspire me to view things through a new lense?

TOUCH on Fox, Thursdays at 9pm CDT

Song of the day: Heaven (Funkstorung Remix) by Lamb

Day 10: Backbends

It makes sense that doing physical postures that open your chest and the front of your body would alter your mind state since a majority of my day is doing the opposite... sitting or hunched over. What if instead of getting a single shot of expresso you ordered a triple? Well today I practiced backbends probably deeper than I ever have. Not because I haven't attempted it before but something unlocked today in my back.

Usually I have a fairly open back and can do most backbending postures however, today the place right behind my heart cracked open just slightly more than usual. I also was more aware of the slight outer rotation on my left upper inner thigh compared to my right which broadened my right lower back and gave me more uniformity in the curves of my spine as I practiced the backbends.

OK I know what your thinking BORING! Well without this proper alignment I wouldn't have been able to practice deep wall heart kissing backbends then do 1-5 eka pada raja kapotasana. This is the sequence of asemetrical back bends with different versions of the base leg. These are frickin hard poses to hold semitry in. Which leads me to my insight of the day.

After this practice the triple shot of backbends left me feeling goofy, playful, happy and confident. These are sexy qualities when you see them in someone else! I noticed my energy level was increased as well but not jitter as real coffee may have done to someone not used to drinking that much coffee. So does finding semitry in an non-symetrical world make a shift in our brain chemistry?

Mr. Iyengar would call this "the dawning of the light of the spirit." He strived to balance the inner and outer body energies. How about balancing our inner state with the outer world? Perhaps by practicing asymetrical postures we are able to give our minds practice on how to balance out ANY two opposite experiences to create a more harmonious state with any oppositions.

On a tangible level I am feeling better than ever and am worrying less and perhaps am over the Depressed state I was in last week completely? Maybe I should speak to soon but I think this is working! I noticed that I looked more beautiful to myself in the mirror as well? Last week my inner comment was "gross!" Now I think to myself, "wow I am beautiful in my own way."


Backbend sequence: (if you dare)
Sun Sal
Lunge
Side tilts
Parsvokasana -> Warrior 2 -> Warrior 1.5 -> Parsvokasana
Thigh stretches: twisted lunge, eka pada bekasana, bekasana, pigeon w/thigh stretch, lunge w/thigh stretch
downward puppy
hero
handstand w/feet on wall deep scoop in heart towards wall ideally legs straight and parallel to floor
1/2 bridge
urdhva danurasana x 3
urdhva danurasana w/ blocks between forarms and wall press heart towards wall walk feet in
forearm backbend w/ blocks between upper arms and wall press heart towards wall walk feet in
headstand drop overs
eka pada rajakapotasana 1
eka pada rajakapotasana 2
eka pada rajakapotasana 3
eka pada rajakapotasana 4
eka pada rajakapotasana 5 (front or base leg is in Turbo/Nuclear pigeon)
kapinjalasana
uttanasana
janu sirsasana
fire log
savasana or meditation

How does this make you feel?


Song of the day: "Psychedelic Women" by Honey and the Bees Band

Day 9: Eclipse of the day

Play outdoors Movie at night

Day 8: Ignite the Center Yoga Practice

ITC practice

Day 7: Adding Depressants

Reset by drinking

Day 6: Losing Well

Sports and Loss... more saddness... heavy New Moon

Day 5: If you can't stand the fire... RUN!

Running up stream!

Day 4: "Rest and Creativity"

It all turned around today, perhaps because I choose to not be a victim of the circumstances and instead chose to break it down each day and do my best. The day sang... "Rest and Creativity"

Today started with an epic storm so I listened to the day and it sang out rest and creativity. This storm kept me from going to work which for most would be a blessing for me it meant I was all dressed and had no where to go with a mind full of yelling thoughts. Thoughts that made it impossible to sit still. So after getting ready I turned on a show from my queue to watch and ended up taking a nap. This was the best idea since I obviously hadn't caught up on rest and adjusted to the time zone. The rain whispered me to sleep and after a short nap it was time to head into work.

To counter act the nap COFFEE was necessary and would make me happy! Nothing new at work today but reassured myself that I did in fact remember the previous day's education. Afterward I headed home to dive into something creative and new.... make Kitchuri, an indian digestive and health boosting meal that I will have for a few days. Then to a FREE yoga class at Lululemon and home to blog and jot down the inspiration and insight of the day.

Kitchuri Recipe

Ingredients:
2 TBSP Sunflower oil or ghee
1/2 TBSP Celery Seeds
2 TBSP Ground Fennel Seeds
2 tsp Ground Coriander
1 Cup Basmati Rice
1/3 Cup Mung Beans
3 Cups Vegetable Stock
Salt to Taste

Directions:
1. Rinse and Soak Basmati Rice and Mung Beans together in a bowl for 2-8 hours
2. Heat oil and add Celery Seeds, Ground Fennel and Ground Coriander just until it gets aromatic
3. Drain and re-rinse Rice and Beans and Add along with the broth to oil and spices
4. Bring to boil and simmer for 45 minutes, stir occasionally
5. Add salt to taste eat some and store the rest

Making Kitchuri for the first time was a hurdle because Indian food isn't easy to prepare and though it was one of the simplest to make it was a huge feat for me to prove it to myself that I could do it. I do believe I may have over cooked the spices in the beginning but I didn't get frustrated instead I stuck with it and it turned out great! Eating it was the best feeling. This meal makes you feel heavy, full and nurtured. It has the magic of being super simple and yet extremely complex tasting well at least for my American palate.

Going to the yoga class was another huge feat since it was the first of hopefully many yoga classes I will attend while I am here and breaking the ice is the first step to getting into a full swing practice of consistency. The accomplishment of this was enough to feed my soul and my body felt pretty good afterward as well. :)

After yoga... ideas just flooded my mind. Ideas for tomorrow and the rest of my time here. I am only trying to jot them down while its all flowing. It's working!!!

Life's Soundtrack:
Playing upon awakening "Animal" by Miike Snow

Days 1-3: "Stuck in the Mud"

Days 1-3 were essential for this blog to come to fruition. It is day 4 now and I just want to thank, acknowledge and explain the first 3 days briefly if only for archiving reasons.

Day 1: As soon as I arrived I felt, mind you I drove for 3 days straight so I was restless, antsy and unsettled. I had to do something wild and crazy. For me beer, burgers and sports is usually a comforting practice and it kind of worked to self medicate like this because I could get to bed after 5 beers.

Day 2: After sleeping in I woke up and wanted to repeat day 1 all over again AND I did however, I knew I had to get up and work so not as many beers were allowed and thus I didn't sleep well at all. I moved into the room that I would be staying in and it was not as clean as I like things, the housemate was not someone I would hang out with nor someone I would choose to live with typically. And I wasn't able to find the foods I prefer and make me feel healthy.

Day 3: The struggle continues only adding the stress of a full day of work and learning. I woke up to run, which would be a normal thing for me before the move, however, I hadn't ran in 5 days and got lost on the run. Was late to work though no one really minded. Learned an entire persons job in a few hours as well as was briefed on the unsettled feelings from the other empoloyees who are standing tall during the restructuring. Feeling down and drained energy wise all day. I was re-leaved by a friend back home who sent me the cutest picture of her dog and a long phone call from the lover that I missed so much. I spoke with him at the wine bar and as I walked the other grocery market that actually had some foods I preferred. Through this conversation the "Project" sprouted.

One Day at a Time

The first step in taking on a project beside defining the overall plan is to break it up into littler pieces. Littler goals have parameters as well. They need to all serve the greater purpose, help you to stay focused but in a bite size portion. I am choosing to take it day by day. I have a total of 32 days in this situation and thus why not make the most of it each day. Deeper questions help me to formulate the daily projects.

1. What could I eat today that would serve my overall health, mental alertness and fuel my resilience?
2. What physical activity can I do today that would help move energy, emotions and anything getting stuck in my body?
3. What creative activity can I channel my feelings through?
4. What is the day singing to me to do, try and inspire?
5. What sort of fun and spontaneous can I get into to show up for my muse to find me?

If I answer each of these questions throughout the day I will not only have a fun filled day but also plenty to of ways to serve my purpose and experience the unfolding of "uncomfortableness" within the context of these things that overall serve the rebooting process.

This blog will serve as my journal and also as a tool of accountability. Ever notice how writing something online makes it that much more charged than if you write it in a journal, especially online where there is a rare chance someone else will read it.... dum dum dum!

If there is anyone out there inclined to read this? I hope that this gives you ideas of serving your personal project of rebooting. I will let you know how each idea affected me and hopefully I will learn something along the way ultimately finding a deeper understanding of my own and having a channel to share whether there is anyone interested or not. At least the energy is flowing and not just stuck in my body, heart and mind. :)

The Project Defined

I often loose touch with my own worth. Especially when I am in difficult situations, stressed, sick and/or others are in greater need of my service, or at least I think so. Just recently I was given an opportunity to re-locate temporarily to help restructure the company I worked for. I say "opportunity" now since I feel my head is finally above water, my feet are out of the mud and my skin is only mildly crawling. I writing this first blog on day 4 of the 32 I will be here.

The first 4 days were some of the most challenging and uncomfortable days in my own skin that I have experienced in a while. It was if I was kicking in screaming in the bedroom of my heart. A temper tantrum of worries, uncertainties and awkwardness. I am very well traveled have french-gypsy blood and have never been home sick before. How could I all of a sudden be experiencing all of this all at once?

Here are some new variables that have come into play that I haven't experienced before:
1. Moved to city that didn't inspire me
2. Moved to a new city 2 months after I settled into a new wonderful home
3. Agreed to take on a secret mission to help save the company I work for
4. Moved without knowing a soul
5. Met someone who I actually miss only a month and a half before I moved out here

Reading these over to myself they seem unusual but are still only excuses for me to blame my uncomfortableness on something other than my own uncomfortableness in my own body like domain. I have always felt that home is with you at all times. Whether your comfortable in your body, heart, imagination and/or all of the above. A sanctuary is relative to the individual and so how could I have lost touch of this so quickly?

This is NOT a blog about should, could, would this is a blog about practice and the journey to find home again in my body, heart and mind all while being with the ultimate experience of uncomfortableness. After all being uncomfortable is nothing new, its just rare that I get to experience such a sharp, fierce and sobering understanding of this flavor of life.

So after reflecting with my lover who is thousands of miles away I have been diving into Project: Me! A work in progress to ultimately not suffer when suffering is always an option. To rediscover what makes me happy in the face of difficulty. To allow a new flavor of experience to guide my heart and transform it into art and beauty. And finally to dive into instead of run from the experiences that can truly polish and redefine our character.